Flying Debris

Gut Feelings

When things were so bad between Rick and me, I always knew when he was fucking up. I always got the same feeling in my gut, like it was being twisted and turned inside out. There were times I let my mind convince me something was going on, then found that I’d been wrong. But my gut - never. Not once - not even one time, was the gut wrong. Rick told me once that it wasn’t ‘natural’ for a person to know things the way I did sometimes. And when I got that feeling about someone else - he heeded it as though God himself had whispered it in his ear.

When I felt that gut thing a couple weeks ago, I let it ride awhile. Rick’s been gone and I’ve been outside that lifestyle over 4 years now. Maybe it was nothing, -or something just triggered old demons…

I tried to work through it but it only got worse.

Real fast I realized - something or nothing - that place I was in, was and is not a place I’m ready to live in again. The questions, suspicions, - justified or not, what they do to your mind and relationship SUCKS. For that reason, I ended the relationship. I’d rather be alone than deal with the mental misery.

I’ve since learned it was the right thing to do because my suspicions were confirmed. My gut is still as accurate as it’s ever been. : (

After ending relationship and before I learned my gut was right - I thought a lot about me, why I do the things I do…

That’s when I saw a (not so pretty) Bigger Truth -

At the slightest hint something might make me feel like I did when life was so miserable between Rick and I - I run like hell. The fear of going through that again consumes me and I run straight back to Rick. I know he’s dead, but that’s the key:

I know where Rick is all the time.

I will always know where he is, what he’s doing, and most importantly -

I know he will never hurt me…he’s my safe place.

No idea what to do about this little epiphany…but there it is.

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the text message - “still mad at me?”

I stopped my reply when I realized the only words that came to me were, “if we continue seeing each other, you’ll end up hating me.”

I know I could fix it. “I was wrong. I’m sorry.”

I’ve had time to think about it. Time to take a good long look at myself.

I wish we’d found each other before suspicion and doubt and betrayal were so deeply ingrained. A friend of mine used to say “we all have our own snakes to kill”.  Those are mine…my own hissing, slithering little demons.

Sometimes, when you truly care about someone, the best thing you can do, is let them go.

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I promised to start writing more, then dropped off the blog web radar again. I’m sorry. My mental state’s been tapped lately.

Life on the ‘romantic’ front is awesome. I’m still seeing the “kindergarten crush”, hereafter referred to as KC. :) maybe try to write more about that sometime soon.

Unfortunately, the fact that I’m dating KC has turned the home and family front into a mine field. And battles (with my grandpa and mom) over KC have outted some other issues that I didn’t even know were issues.

My mom wasn’t around much when I was a kid. She’d turn up for a few months at a time, then disappear for a year or so. I can’t say “as a kid I didn’t understand why” because I honestly never gave it any thought. I don’t now nor did I ever think she didn’t want me, or carry any resentment, or even wonder why she wasn’t around more than she was. But now …I do understand why she was gone so much. It was the only way she could live her own life - without constant meddling, criticism, and pressure from her parents (my grandparents).

I’m trying to be tolerant. trying very hard. My grpa’s generation has very different beliefs than my/our generation. Wish like hell that was the source of our biggest battles because I can respect and understand those things. It isn’t though.

Our biggest disagreements are over ideas and mindsets that I fucking despise beyond description. Things that stab at and re-open the deepest, most painful parts of me. The destruction and devastation caused by gossip and prejudice.

When my life comes to a close, I will not look back on what I didn’t do because I feared what ‘people might say’. (Yes, there is an obvious reason-ability factor here - but you know what I mean.)

Quality of life (mental, physical, and emotional health) for and between my daughter and myself…. isn’t that more important than pretty much anything?

I’m tired and frustrated and -fuck me, aren’t I due for a little bit of happiness?

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Remember this….?   

The person who did it is now a deputy sheriff here.

I’m curious just how the hell a person gets assigned to live their particular life? I mean - just who the hell did I piss off at the life assignment table? seriously.

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KABUL, Afghanistan (CNN) — A suicide bomb exploded in a crowd of people gathered to watch dog fighting, killing at least 80 people and wounding dozens more in the western section of Kandahar, Afghanistan Sunday morning, according to Afghan officials.

and the moral of this story would be….?

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It started with a small water leak. The source of which appeared to be a badly deteriorated radiator hose.  A week and a hose, thermostat, water pump, alternator (how the hell the alternator came into play here is beyond me but it did), and one belt later - I think - hope - pray the last domino has fallen, at least for the time being. The upside  - almost everything under the hood is less than a year old so the mechanical stuff is pretty much done (except for replacing the air conditioner) - which means I can finally get started on the cosmetic stuff.

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Things are going great with C.

but I wish my grandma was still here to give my grandpa an attitude adjustment.

C has kind of a bad reputation around town.  He was a wild child… rowdy, drinking, pot…  Actually he hasn’t done near some of the stupid shit Rick and I pulled, but what he did do was in a small town and it sticks with you for life.  He’s settled down now (like me) - kids and old age do that to ya.

Anyway, we went to the coffee shop for breakfast yesterday morning. My grpa came in shortly after, sat down with us, and barely uttered a word the entire time. Later at home he informed me that I “was the talk of the coffee shop this morning…”  It went downhill from there.

I’ve been a total recluse since moving here. Zero interaction with any life long Waurika people. Mostly because I felt guilty for any gossip grief felt by my grandparents over Rick’s death.  I made the decision to spend my life here with Hannah, partly because I want to, and mostly because it’s the best decision for my family and Hannah.

I stopped ‘rebellion dating’ shortly after high school.  If C turns out to be ‘bad news’, I’ll end it.

I need something in my life that is for me - that makes me happy.

I’m just very disappointed in my grandpa right now.  Before he starts throwing rocks, he needs to realize that I live in the biggest glass house in town.

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I started to title this post “Check Yes or No” in reference to the George Strait song but was more corny than I could stomach this early in the day.

He was the funnest, cutest boy in my kindergarten class (the only grade I attended here before we moved to Wichita Falls). We sat next to each other in class and always played together on the play ground. I know - ahhh, how sweet. It must have been - so much that my family teased me about him for years after. yes, years.

Our paths crossed a few times here and there. When we were around 17 or 18 I hooked him up with my best friend because I was dating his roommate. Didn’t see him again until we bumped into each other at the gas station a few months ago… “good too see you…yeh, living back here now…should come by and visit sometime…”

And he did, 2 nights ago. We exchanged phone numbers (which oddly enough, are identical except for one digit - weird huh?), visited for about an hour and agreed we should get together and hang out soon. Last night I was debating sending him a text message when my phone beeped with a text from him.

We have a date tomorrow night.

He was cute in kindergarten.

He is one handsome man today.

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Pursuit Watch.org recently encouraged readers to sign up for a new newsletter begun by VIPS (Voices Insisting on PursuitSAFETY) .

My first reaction was “Awesome!” and I immediately clicked through to add myself to the subscriber list. I read the VIPS mission statement -

“PursuitSAFETY is a national organization that joins communities, police officers, and public officials with 80,000 plus family members who have had blameless children, parents, and brothers and sisters killed or maimed when police chases spun out of control.”

Before I go any further I want to be very clear that I understand why the loved ones of innocent vicitms would hate the suspect who’s actions caused the death of their loved one. I understand why “blameless” is a key part of their mission statement. It should be.

damn - I don’t know how to say this without it somehow sounding ‘wrong’. “Blameless” is emphasized and repeated 5 times on the first page of the VIPS website.

I want to be part of the push for reform. My knowledge of pursuit law is extensive. I think, no - I know I would be an asset in the movement for policy reform. But time and again I feel “unworthy” of seeking change in pursuit policy.

Yes Rick ran - I can’t change that. My husband will never come home again and I was left alone to raise our 10 month old daughter. My grief doesn’t make the distinction between Rick the suspect, and Rick the husband, nor is it proportionate to his degree of guilt.

that’s all - just needed to get that off my chest.

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1. High winds suck the gas tank dry twice as fast as no wind.

2. The big inflated chicken on top of Church’s Chicken is NOT for sale.

3. 26 degrees outside - doesn’t even begin to describe 26 degrees outside on back of a motorcycle at night. (and snot turns to ice over 80 mph - just dying to know that little tidbit weren’t ya?)

4. Bikers don’t cry at weddings - it’s sinuses. (sorry guys)

5. It takes longer to un-bundle and re-bundle than it does to drink one White Russian.

6. Repetitive practice/attempts does not decrease bundle time. (grrrrrr)

7. Cell phones only ring after you’ve re-bundled.

8. Every time I go out of town, I leave my current most favorite piece of clothing where I visited. (damnitt)

9. Last and most importantly, occasional interaction with the outside world is good for the spirit. I need to remember this one and act on it more often.

Hope your weekend was a good one too.

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