4 years
Out of the blue today, Hannah told me she dreams about you.
We miss you so much.
Always,
Cat
Entries Tagged as 'Psyche'
“Yeh, I am.”
earlier today…
“Didn’t you say you lost your husband”, asked a newer acquaintance.
“Yeh.”
“You still miss him alot,” more of an observation than a question.
“I do. He was so much fun, always joking around, making every one laugh. And he played guitar…hearing it around the house all the time. I miss that a lot…”
“How long has it been again?”
My voice broke somewhere in the middle, “4 years.”
Quietly, “You’re still in love with him…”
“Yeh… I am.”
I don’t say it out loud very often. Too many people want to fix it and my “you’ll get over it, passed it, fall in love again” meter red-lined a long time ago.
Kind of surprised me that I reacted so strongly to that question, especially after so much time has passed…my chest is still burning and pushing at the bottom of my throat.
Anthems
a certain situation I’m dealing with right now.
Exactly how I feel and what I’d like to say.
38 - 28 - 36
That was me 2 summers ago.
That will be me 2 months from now. Not much room to slack but it’s realistic and do-able. Hard kicking myself for not sticking with my running last year. One good thing came of it - I now know how much I hate starting over from where I was when I started running last year. Bet your ass I’ll stick with the program this time.
got 3 miles in today. My knee hurts, muscles are sore - but damn it hurts so good. Tomorrow I start 2 miles every morning and 2 more miles every evening.
Other goal this summer…
I want a motorcycle, specifically, - a Harley. Don’t ask what kind because I don’t have a clue, gotta learn to drive one first. :)~Â The local tech college offers a 3 day Motorcycle Safety Foundation Course (cost $180). 1 day of book work, 2 - 8 hr days of actually learning to ride. And they furnish the bikes.
Am I having that mid-life crisis thing?
panic buttons
Regardless of how sure you are it’s the right thing to do, still have to get through the end-panic, when the realization of ‘it can’t be undone’ sets in.
I’ve lost count of how many times I haven’t seen this one through.
Skin Deep
Sometime before my grandma died, my emotions -actually the depth of my emotions took a vacation. For awhile I attributed it to a sub-conscious trigger for sanity preservation. Dealing with Rick’s death, battling the police dept, my grandpa’s near fatal heart failure, and half a dozen other mind bending events… then my grandmother fell ill. Sub-conscious sees the blazing red “overload warning” light and shut me down before I spontaneously combusted.
At the time I was just grateful to not feel anything. And when I’m on more stable ground, the sub-c will flip me back on.
It’s been quite awhile and I’ve experienced - no, not experienced - navigated a few highs and lows, didn’t feel much of anything either way. OK I thought - being aware my reset button hasn’t been reset will kick the sub-conscious into re-setting. Wrong again.
I don’t really miss feeling the depth of emotions. But- it’s probably not conducive to good overall health, and more importantly I don’t want it to have a negative effect on Hannah, my family, ….
even sought a “professional opinion/diagnosis” and it isn’t depression.
joy joy - another bland post by yours truly -but at least now you know why. :s
ya know, it’s one thing if my emotions wanna take a leave of absense, but I hope for all our sakes, they send my muse home ASAP.
Hard Knocks Education
I ignored the neon warning signs because every other area was perfect, and so GD much potential for ‘happily ever after’. I was probably mis-reading everything anyway - I mean everything else was so good, I had to be wrong. And I’ve been there before - when it wasn’t good, and learning the signs, well that’s an education you sure as hell don’t forget. Besides, I’m smarter now, I think more of myself - know I deserve better.
right?
yeh right.
so fast -less than a second. Standing there, then like a shot - feels like your chin slammed into your spine and your ears ring like a siren. Hasn’t changed much, my reaction - I wonder if it’s lights out or will my eyes open on cue? Taste of blood cues them open, and makes me gag every time.
I’m embarrassed more than anything - that I let the good suck me into something so obviously not good. Stupid stupid stupid.
fight for me
fight me
fight for me
swallow the niceties and sympathies
remove the kid gloves
dig your fingers in my arms
push my back against the wall
get my attention.
and if I don’t hear you-
wrap your hands in my hair
twist it tight til hot tears sting my eyes.
pin me down
hold me there one moment too long
d
e
p
t
h
it used to be there
rip through the surface
help me find that place between deep and deepest
then press your head to mine
hot breath on skin
hold me gentle tight and slow.
