Flying Debris

Gut Feelings

When things were so bad between Rick and me, I always knew when he was fucking up. I always got the same feeling in my gut, like it was being twisted and turned inside out. There were times I let my mind convince me something was going on, then found that I’d been wrong. But my gut - never. Not once - not even one time, was the gut wrong. Rick told me once that it wasn’t ‘natural’ for a person to know things the way I did sometimes. And when I got that feeling about someone else - he heeded it as though God himself had whispered it in his ear.

When I felt that gut thing a couple weeks ago, I let it ride awhile. Rick’s been gone and I’ve been outside that lifestyle over 4 years now. Maybe it was nothing, -or something just triggered old demons…

I tried to work through it but it only got worse.

Real fast I realized - something or nothing - that place I was in, was and is not a place I’m ready to live in again. The questions, suspicions, - justified or not, what they do to your mind and relationship SUCKS. For that reason, I ended the relationship. I’d rather be alone than deal with the mental misery.

I’ve since learned it was the right thing to do because my suspicions were confirmed. My gut is still as accurate as it’s ever been. : (

After ending relationship and before I learned my gut was right - I thought a lot about me, why I do the things I do…

That’s when I saw a (not so pretty) Bigger Truth -

At the slightest hint something might make me feel like I did when life was so miserable between Rick and I - I run like hell. The fear of going through that again consumes me and I run straight back to Rick. I know he’s dead, but that’s the key:

I know where Rick is all the time.

I will always know where he is, what he’s doing, and most importantly -

I know he will never hurt me…he’s my safe place.

No idea what to do about this little epiphany…but there it is.

Tags: Notes //