Flying Debris

I promised to start writing more, then dropped off the blog web radar again. I’m sorry. My mental state’s been tapped lately.

Life on the ‘romantic’ front is awesome. I’m still seeing the “kindergarten crush”, hereafter referred to as KC. :) maybe try to write more about that sometime soon.

Unfortunately, the fact that I’m dating KC has turned the home and family front into a mine field. And battles (with my grandpa and mom) over KC have outted some other issues that I didn’t even know were issues.

My mom wasn’t around much when I was a kid. She’d turn up for a few months at a time, then disappear for a year or so. I can’t say “as a kid I didn’t understand why” because I honestly never gave it any thought. I don’t now nor did I ever think she didn’t want me, or carry any resentment, or even wonder why she wasn’t around more than she was. But now …I do understand why she was gone so much. It was the only way she could live her own life - without constant meddling, criticism, and pressure from her parents (my grandparents).

I’m trying to be tolerant. trying very hard. My grpa’s generation has very different beliefs than my/our generation. Wish like hell that was the source of our biggest battles because I can respect and understand those things. It isn’t though.

Our biggest disagreements are over ideas and mindsets that I fucking despise beyond description. Things that stab at and re-open the deepest, most painful parts of me. The destruction and devastation caused by gossip and prejudice.

When my life comes to a close, I will not look back on what I didn’t do because I feared what ‘people might say’. (Yes, there is an obvious reason-ability factor here - but you know what I mean.)

Quality of life (mental, physical, and emotional health) for and between my daughter and myself…. isn’t that more important than pretty much anything?

I’m tired and frustrated and -fuck me, aren’t I due for a little bit of happiness?

Tags: Notes //