Going to look at (and probably buy) him this weekend.
I still have the horse I bought last year but he’s turned out to be gentle enough for Hannah so giving him to her.
This horse - if any of you know bloodlines, his are:
Leo San, Grey Badger, Doc Bar Puro’s Linda, Joe Duhon, Blondy’s Dude, Thirsty’s Boy, Peppy, Poco Bueno, McCue, Joe Hancock, Wimpy, & Shoemaker.
Best of the best.
And the price - I asked twice because I thought it was a typo.
yep - I’m doing the happy dance!
Gut Feelings
When things were so bad between Rick and me, I always knew when he was fucking up. I always got the same feeling in my gut, like it was being twisted and turned inside out. There were times I let my mind convince me something was going on, then found that I’d been wrong. But my gut - never. Not once - not even one time, was the gut wrong. Rick told me once that it wasn’t ‘natural’ for a person to know things the way I did sometimes. And when I got that feeling about someone else - he heeded it as though God himself had whispered it in his ear.
When I felt that gut thing a couple weeks ago, I let it ride awhile. Rick’s been gone and I’ve been outside that lifestyle over 4 years now. Maybe it was nothing, -or something just triggered old demons…
I tried to work through it but it only got worse.
Real fast I realized - something or nothing - that place I was in, was and is not a place I’m ready to live in again. The questions, suspicions, - justified or not, what they do to your mind and relationship SUCKS. For that reason, I ended the relationship. I’d rather be alone than deal with the mental misery.
I’ve since learned it was the right thing to do because my suspicions were confirmed. My gut is still as accurate as it’s ever been. : (
After ending relationship and before I learned my gut was right - I thought a lot about me, why I do the things I do…
That’s when I saw a (not so pretty) Bigger Truth -
At the slightest hint something might make me feel like I did when life was so miserable between Rick and I - I run like hell. The fear of going through that again consumes me and I run straight back to Rick. I know he’s dead, but that’s the key:
I know where Rick is all the time.
I will always know where he is, what he’s doing, and most importantly -
I know he will never hurt me…he’s my safe place.
No idea what to do about this little epiphany…but there it is.
the text message - “still mad at me?”
I stopped my reply when I realized the only words that came to me were, “if we continue seeing each other, you’ll end up hating me.”
I know I could fix it. “I was wrong. I’m sorry.”
I’ve had time to think about it. Time to take a good long look at myself.
I wish we’d found each other before suspicion and doubt and betrayal were so deeply ingrained. A friend of mine used to say “we all have our own snakes to kill”. Those are mine…my own hissing, slithering little demons.
Sometimes, when you truly care about someone, the best thing you can do, is let them go.
I promised to start writing more, then dropped off the blog web radar again. I’m sorry. My mental state’s been tapped lately.
Life on the ‘romantic’ front is awesome. I’m still seeing the “kindergarten crush”, hereafter referred to as KC. 
:) maybe try to write more about that sometime soon.
Unfortunately, the fact that I’m dating KC has turned the home and family front into a mine field. And battles (with my grandpa and mom) over KC have outted some other issues that I didn’t even know were issues.
My mom wasn’t around much when I was a kid. She’d turn up for a few months at a time, then disappear for a year or so. I can’t say “as a kid I didn’t understand why” because I honestly never gave it any thought. I don’t now nor did I ever think she didn’t want me, or carry any resentment, or even wonder why she wasn’t around more than she was. But now …I do understand why she was gone so much. It was the only way she could live her own life - without constant meddling, criticism, and pressure from her parents (my grandparents).
I’m trying to be tolerant. trying very hard. My grpa’s generation has very different beliefs than my/our generation. Wish like hell that was the source of our biggest battles because I can respect and understand those things. It isn’t though.
Our biggest disagreements are over ideas and mindsets that I fucking despise beyond description. Things that stab at and re-open the deepest, most painful parts of me. The destruction and devastation caused by gossip and prejudice.
When my life comes to a close, I will not look back on what I didn’t do because I feared what ‘people might say’. (Yes, there is an obvious reason-ability factor here - but you know what I mean.)
Quality of life (mental, physical, and emotional health) for and between my daughter and myself…. isn’t that more important than pretty much anything?
I’m tired and frustrated and -fuck me, aren’t I due for a little bit of happiness?
Remember this….? 
The person who did it is now a deputy sheriff here.
I’m curious just how the hell a person gets assigned to live their particular life? I mean - just who the hell did I piss off at the life assignment table? seriously.
